my summertime rules: break them at your own peril

it's the second official day of summer vacation and the need for new summer rules is quickly making itself apparent.

for example, this. the day that school was out was a long, crazy day. my older son was invited to go to a birthday party of a kid he barely knows. but the 14 invited boys were to be picked up in a stretch hummer limo. and go play laser tag. eat pizza. tool around town in the hummer. go back to the boys' house for swimming, games, and an overnighter. this was a red flag to me that the mother was certifiable. crazy. out of her mind.

and it was also another red flag. every other kid's birthday is going to suck eggs in comparison. so, thanks lady.

nevertheless, he went. i get the report back that the boy has two laptops in his room. that his room is "so big" that 14 boys could play hide-and-seek in there. yes, great, fantastic. i really wish i could now drive him through the real-life setting of "slumdog millionaire" to show him how the rest of the world lives. because while it is nice to have friends with more who share, these are not the values i am trying to set.

but i digress. i'll leave the sense of entitlement for another post.

i drew the line at spending the night, but we let both boys stay up a little later than bedtime since it's summer, after all. here's the problem with that. i have early risers. it does not matter what time they go to bed. whether 8:30 p.m. or midnight, they will be up with the chickens. and furthermore, i was delivered the gut-wrenching blow that summer swim team begins (four days a week) at 7 a.m. this is not good news for a night owl.

so the first day of summer, when i am expecting to sleep to a delicious 9 a.m. or so, i wake up to faces in my face at 6:06 a.m. they are asking me questions about who can do what on which computer.

SUMMER RULE #1: if you should get up at some ungodly hour before 7 a.m., i do not want to know about it.

with this rule firmly in place, i can now go about my morning fog unperturbed.

the next thing that i had somehow totally forgotten about was the abnormally large amount of dirty dishes. because they're home all day. because they graze non-stop. because as soon as you clean up one mess, they're back in the pantry.

it is things like this that can drive a woman insane. like, completely out-of-her-mind nuts. it's how a mailman feels. there's no end to the mail. ever. can people just stop mailing stuff for one damn day? no, they cannot. it's the hamster wheel of life.

so i suggested with great authority that they use one cup all day long. and i don't care if you switch from lemonade to water, just rinse it out and keep going.

i also suggested, with great affection, that they get their own damn food. exceptions to this would include things baked in the oven, which will NOT i repeat NOT be happening every day.

i further went on, with what i hoped was extreme kindness, that if they were to use tray tables they are now responsible for wiping them to my specs and putting them back up. so then the next rule reveals itself.

SUMMER RULE #2: get it and put it back up your own damn self.

next i decided to do a sneaky mom move. to take something that was already on the horizon but tie it to a goal. my kids are both excellent readers and i want it to remain that way. i don't want them to slack during summer. and besides, doesn't everyone just need a little daily time to chill?

so i told them that yes, we can go to schlitterbahn waterpark once they each read an age-appropriate chapter book. so i have also bought myself a little daily quiet time in this deal.

SUMMER RULE #3: read.

read and then tell me about it. read the book and then see the movie. or vice versa. read and don't ever stop.

so that's as far as i've gotten. three rules. but it is only the second day of summer vacation. and, what's that? what do you need? a tissue, a band-aid, some goldfish? your wallet, the ds charger, your goggles?

GET IT YOUR OWN DAMN SELF, i call, with what i hope is great love and affection.

for stephanie, who never stops bugging me to write, even when i think i've got nothin to write about....