iphone: it loves me, it loves me not

my name is courtenay, and i do not understand the iphone. i am told i am a party of one.

use your left brain, they say.

it's so intuitive, how can you not get it? they ask.

i am told that perhaps i am the problem.

and yes, people that know me and supposedly like me, tell me these things. i am suspicious of them all. i think there is some insider's club, some secret class, that they all take to learn all the buttons. but in return, they sign a paper swearing they will not admit it. i am trying to get invited to this secret class. because i swear, once i learn it, i will make other people feel like a total numbnut for not understanding.

oh my god, i will say. really? you don't get it? gosh. it was so easy for me.

this phone is a little bigger than a pile of credit cards. and it is seriously like packing a whole computer, hard-drive and keyboard into your purse. that is how much stuff it does. are you driving? just type in where you want to go and you will see yourself driving on it. you can post on your facebook. check your email. chat. take photos. check the weather anywhere in the world. check stocks. watch youtube. type notes. it's an ipod. it's a phone. you can surf the internet.

it does all this, and guess what?

please guess.

it does not come with a manual. why? oh, because it is so, so intuitive. they sprinkle fairy dust on it, too, so that all those who pick it up know exactly what to press. only my phone - yes, no fairy dust. my hairdryer came with a manual. and it only does one thing: DRY MY HAIR. this phone walks on water. no manual.

it's like giving a new pilot a lollipop and a barf bag.

it's like going on a scavenger hunt with no list.

and the apple people? at the apple store? i want to punch every last one of them in the face. they are so friendly and helpful. really, i mean that. and when you buy something there, there's no counter or cash register. no, my lord. that would be way too common. they just whip this little labelmaker looking thing out of their apple pocket and input all your life's numbers, ask you if there's anything in the world you need to know, and hand you a perfect little apple receipt.

and they smile. because you are now one of them. and you can carry the world in your pocket.

and you know, we have other apple products in our house. we have an imac. it has a cordless keyboard, a cordless mouse. it came in a flat box. small, simple. we opened it and wondered where the rest of it was. that is what you always wonder with apple products. this is it? where's the rest of it? it is such a show-off. honestly, if this computer was a person, it would be the pretty girl with the perfect hair and body, but she's so nice you can't hate her. you look for flaws and there is none.

but back to the iphone. i am told you can hold it up to a song you like and it will know what the song is and where to get it from. and this is intuitive? like, this should just come to me to hold my phone up to a radio when i hear a song i like? on what planet?

do you see what i'm saying? i feel like i'm a detective trying to bust a big ring of liars open.

so anyway, guess what. i'm going to an iphone class at the apple store next week. and i'm not gonna tell anybody. i'm going to take notes, and stay after, like i'm studying for a big final exam. i heard you're not allowed to ask any questions. see? it's like a cia operative.

then i'm going to spend an hour with my 9-year-old, get him to spill everything he's figured out about my phone, which -- believe me -- it's quite extensive.

and in the meantime, one of my very nice facebook friends who does not make me feel completely stupid said she will walk me through anything i want to know (and the great, great irony of this is that her name is courtenay, too -- spelled exactly the same. she got the apple gene. i did not.)

and by then, in a week's time, i should know how to play a song. or, you know, answer a phone call.

and apple, i solemnly swear, if you will send more of your secret agents to teach me these top-secret confidential things, i will act like i knew them all along. i will pretend like it's so intuitive. i will help you sell more iphones by talking it up.

just, please . . . a clue, apple. that is all i'm looking for.