it's the red-eye family......
before i ever had kids, something that jackie kennedy onassis said really resonated with me. and it was this: "if you bungle raising your children, i don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."
and now that i am a mother, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was right.
i have never, not once, regretted my decision to stay home with my kids. i knew allowances would have to be made. i knew there would not be new cars in the driveway every four years. i knew i might lose a little of my identity, a little of my independence along the way. that last bit was hard.
i do not judge other mothers for choosing to work. on the contrary, i have the utmost respect for these women who can shove off for work at 7:30 a.m. and still get all the stuff done that i do. especially the single moms. i honest to god do not know how they do it. but i do not take my luxury lightly. i see it as part of my job to clean my own home. to keep closets, drawers, pantries fully stocked. to volunteer at school, and in anything that my children are active in. to forge new friendships with the mothers whose children attract my own. to be keenly aware of what my kids are saying, doing, thinking, writing, caring about.
there have been times when i have steered my child away from another. that is a luxury that has no price. some children know more than they should. they've seen more. and my heart breaks for these kids. but my first loyalty is to my own.
and days like today.....they bring it all home to me. again. i was assigned a group of four third-grade boys to read with. my assignments are different every week. and i will confess, my very favorites are the talkative boys and the people-pleaser girls. because when one child stumbles on a word, these kids will offer up help. and when i ask a question like, "so how did the kids feel about this new woman?" they will all raise their hands or blurt out the answer. that is what i like. participation. eagerness. comprehension. that was not what i had today.
i had four sullen boys who did not want to read. they sprawled out in the hallway, one even reading upside down. one who did not follow along, no matter how many times i reminded him. one who was reading, i believe, at a first-grade level.
as i sit there, many things go through my head. as recently as a couple years ago, i thought that all that mattered was if my child delivered. my child got the A. my child moved above and beyond, even ahead of the pack, because then i would have done my job.
and then, again as before, life smacked me right upside the head. i saw that my black-and-white was once again fading to a nice, soft gray. gray is where i live now.
it does matter that they all get it. and it matters more than a little.....it matters just about more than anything in the world. the teacher is frustrated. because of their lack of comprehension. lack of desire. lack of parental involvement. i say, is it like this every year? she shakes her head no. no, no, no. this year is bad.
these parents are bungling it. the kids are late to school. they can't read at their grade level. they should care, but they don't. i don't put up with a lot from them. they look startled when my friendly demeanor takes a sharp turn. "sit up," i tell them. "stop, and tell me what you just read."
and i wait. and i let them fill the silence. today there was a lot of silence. i leave feeling there is so much work to do, and i have not made the tiniest of dents. but then, sometimes unexpectedly, one of them will tap me on the back at school and smile shyly. or ask me if i am coming again next week. they like it, this personal attention. they like having expectations placed on them. they need the accountability. so maybe it does make the tiniest of dents.
these kids remind me of that starfish story. a man and his grandson were walking along a beach late one night and the old man was picking up starfish that had washed ashore, tossing them back into the ocean. the boy says, but grandpa, there's so many, how are you ever going to save all of them? and the old man picks up another one, and tosses it. son, i can't save all of them. but it made a difference to that one right there.
and maybe that's the best we can hope for.
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