in defense of excitement

when i was in college, we played a game of charades whereby we acted out each other. word to the wise: this is never a good idea. people vehemently deny they act that way; meanwhile, everyone else is doubled over laughing.

well, i was pretending to be my friend andy, who never had any cash. like, ever. so all i said was, "do you take checks? do YOU take checks? do you TAKE checks? can i write a check?" this was also before debit cards and apparently, credit cards.

yes, so that was super-funny and all but then it was this skater kid's turn. he started out, "oh my god! no! really?! oh my god!" and - everyone got it but me, because it was me. i was pissed. (and just to even the score here, i would have imitated him like, "dude. oh, dude. hey, dude. duuuude.")

so after this game, i decided i was going to be very monotone. very un-excitable. very chill. there would be no exclamation marks in my speech. that lasted all of two hours, because it's just not me.

a few years ago, i worked with a girl was was the queen of monotone. winning a million dollars would not excite her, nor would watching her house explode in flames. case in point: she was pregnant at the time, and living in a garage apartment with her husband. one night they were asleep and she was startled awake by a noise in the apartment. when she opened her eyes, she could make out a figure moving around in the dark - it was not her husband. they were being robbed, and the dude was at the foot of her bed.

when she was telling this story, i was all, "no! holy crap! did he have a gun?!" and she was all, "no. it was just one guy."

"just one guy?!?!? in your house, and you're pregnant??" i almost went into convulsions just hearing the story.

"it was fine," she said. she kicked her husband awake and he chased him out of the apartment. luckily, no one was hurt, and my heart palpitations subsided soon afterward. i was more nervous hearing the story than she was living it. but it was a very good story. i mean, it didn't need any embellishment whatsoever.

i like people who have a pulse. i enjoy them very much. i had an italian aunt who would get so mad at my uncle, she would open her cabinets up and throw actual dinnerware at him. this, i am down with. there are times i would like to throw pans, or smash glass, and not necessarily at those i live among. just random people. that would be fantastic.

last year it snowed here for the first time in years. it was totally unexpected. my kids were playing basketball outside, i was on the patio thumbing through a magazine, and they had a friend over. none of us knew what was happening at first. we all realized at about the same moment - *S*N*O*W*! i ran to get the camera, my very optimistic children ran to get buckets (yes, buckets), and the friend looked at us all like we had lost our minds.

"this is nothing," he said. he who skis every year. i wanted to kick his ass.

well, i gently explained, it IS actually something to see snow in the sahara desert. it is a bloody miracle.

so while my kids were trying to fill buckets and catch snowflakes on their tongues, the friend stood there with what can only be described as sympathy on his face. but really, i thought at the time, how sad for him.

how sad to not get excited when something unexpected happens. to be so disenchanted when a magical substance falls from the sky. doesn't it get chilly, being so cool?

i have never liked a killjoy, or a debbie downer, or a buzzkill. and i know a few, in all shapes and sizes, but not too many. i keep my distance. and i most definitely do not play charades with them.

farming wears me out. and all i did was walk it

today we went to a farm. tonight i can hardly move. and it's not just because our hayride tractor blew a tire somewhere between christmas tree farmville and mars and we had to walk back. i think being outdoors makes you tired. and humidity that makes your hair curl wears you out. and watching kids zipline and tarzan swing and tube roll - it's very tiring to watch.

and, oh yeah, i carried everyone's jacket. that is very tiring. i drew the line at drinks and pop rocks. when i start to need a cart to carry people's stuff, i draw the line.

so there are these big mounds of hay, and they have hidden gopher-like holes in them. and invisible booby trap strings. i won't tell you how i found all this out, or even how undignified i might have looked for 1/10th of a second.

kids like to climb hay and swing tarzan style and land on their butts. i, on the other hand, do not.



my oldest son apparently inherited some almost trapeze-like ability to swing sideways and upside down and not decapitate himself. and yes, i am very proud.



and next there is barrel rolling. which looks as fun to me as being tossed into a washing machine.



my oldest, of course, loves this. they all do.



it's like human hamsters in a wheel.



at this moment i am thinking, no. surely not...



but, yes. and with my youngest in the tube, no less. my next thought is, this will not end well.



luckily, the tube with a human inside is a heavy thing.

i love goats. goats like to climb. if you grew up in a city, odds are you did not know this. and if you did know this, well then you're too smart for your own good. no one likes a know-it-all.



i could watch these goats walk on this contraption for hours. it just really cracks me up. it is so ridiculous and absurd.



the kids can buy food, put it in this trolley, and wheel it up to the goats. there was a very cute goat i was petting and i let him lick my hand. the kids thought this was great until they pointed out he was eating poo off the ground. we all have our faults. stupid goat.



this slide sounds like a fighter jet taking off. your arse bumps its way down dozens of cylinders.



this is their christmas tree farm. you can find a tree and cut it down.



these are the baby trees, and the giant rolling irrigation system.



this is HELL NO. i would rather self-implode.



this is the corn maze we got lost in. mazes always seem so friendly and fun when you first enter. by the end, all i can think of is jack nicholson with a knife.



this zipline is baby beans compared to this zipline. because really, once you've stepped off a ledge five stories in the air, being a couple feet off the ground is nothing.



there were bikes.



there was a corn cannon.



there was a swing from the 1800s.



seriously, how can their legs not be tired?



i am tired and all i did was watch. and walk 32 miles. or, at the very least, 2.5 country miles which is the equivalent of 32 city miles.

there was one picture i did not include. i will describe it to you, because what you imagine can only be an improvement on the real thing. it is the four of us on the back of the hayride tractor. it is bright and none of us are wearing shades. the kids have their fake smiles, my hair is curly and looks like i have been electrocuted, and my husband is not smiling.

so basically what i'm saying is, our christmas card for this year is done.

this christmas, less (tree) is more

this is not our christmas tree this year.



this was our christmas tree last year. but i will get to that.

to be honest, my primary reason in blogging today is not because i have so much to say, but because i want you to see my new masthead. the snowman. he's cute, right? and so now that you're here, i guess i have to entertain you a bit. would you like some peppermint bark or diet coke? yes? oh sorry, it's all gone.

so what did you do today? here is what i did. rummaged through what seemed like 17 "christmas stuff" boxes from the attic, trying to pick and choose the few things i will use this year. but then i got sidetracked and ended up cleaning out the attic, and getting rid of boxes that contained stuff we don't even own anymore.

my theme for this year is "less is more." and who are we kidding, that is pretty much my motto for life. i am the complete opposite of a hoarder.

the other day, my husband was cleaning out his side of the closet. i am always shocked that he is not completely inspired after daily viewings of my side of the closet, which is color coded and shoe-in/shoe-out neat, to copy and do likewise. my kids' closets are the same. but i can honestly say, the man does not bow down to peer pressure.

he knows that the more stuff he throws out, the happier i will be. he came to me with some odd-shaped box and asked if we should keep it. "for what?" i said.

"because we might need a box this size one day."

yes, and we may also need two tickets to venus, or a life raft, but i am not saving or worrying about that yet. "we can buy one," i told him.

so anyway, i like to get rid of stuff. and i like things to be easy. which brings me to last year. we are the owners of a 9-foot bigger-than-godzilla christmas tree. it is so massive it comes in pieces and takes an entire weekend to fluff, light, decorate, and ribbonize. (ribbonize: the laying on of ribbons.) that, to me, is an entire weekend too long.

so last year, we get it wired with 2,800 lights. then we place ornaments. then we plug it in. it is absolutely dazzling, like a tree that is lit from within. for about, oh, say five minutes. just long enough for them to see it from space. then a strand goes out. curse words fly. i contemplate how long it would take me to drive to galveston and throw this beautiful tree in the ocean. it is like a girl dressed beautifully for prom who gets punch drunk.

i am done with this tree. so.very.done.

so this year i decide we're using the little tree, the gremlin, the tree big enough to house one keebler elf. i, personally, love this little tree. it has served in the game room; at my mother's townhouse; in a small den - but this year i decide that it is going to be the main attraction. i put the tree up next to the loveseat and my first thought is, it looks like a giant ivy.

this is my little gimp punk:



this is gimpy from across the room, with the lights out. kind of like a firefly:



the kids love it. they think it is beautiful. they chose colored lights, and they set them on fast blink, which really could send an epileptic into a seizure if they looked at it for too long. my youngest said, "it is very comforting." comforting in what way? i wanted to ask. comforting in that you are not instead on a roller coaster with no seat belt? but i just smiled. because we are done.

lest you think i am so lazy that this tree is the only decorating i did, you are sorely mistaken. i also did this:



it's fake, it's from sam's, it cost less than $20. i cannot kill it.



gimpy cannot be seen from space. he can hardly be seen from three feet away. but he has brought the spirit of christmas into our house. the kids decorated it in its entirety, because they could reach all the top branches. we used only our most favorite ornaments until we literally ran out of space, and didn't have to use the hand-me-downs to fill in empty spots.

so if you will excuse me now, i'm going to go relax by gimps, and be comforted by the fact that i.am.done.